What's in a Year?

What's in a year?

Of course there are 12 months, 52 weeks, and 365 days. But what really makes a year? A year ago today I made a decision. I decided to take the steps to release pent-up anger and resentment which was causing mental as well as physical pain. I was pissed off all the time and needed to find a way to replace this negative energy with purpose, intentionality, creativity, and yes even vulnerability. Well...today marks my 365th consecutive day of meditation using the Calm app. Not that I’m counting, but this translates to over 80 hours - 2 full work weeks - of meditating.

In the first six months I had some fantastic breakthroughs which I grouped around general, personal, and professional. The benefits included more clarity around daily and long-term priorities, a deeper alignment of body, mind, spirit, and a tangible sense of ease in my work.

Over the second six months I experienced similar benefits. The main difference was I began to feel the benefits as deeper understandings of lessons I thought I’d learned quite some time ago. I’ve grouped these realizations into five categories - goals, paths, creativity, self-talk, and work. But before I get into them a confession is in order.

Some days I sat to meditate simply because it was a goal I had. On days like these, meditating felt like a chore. Other days though, and these are the days that kept me motivated to keep going, my practice was inspired, connected, focused, emotional, life-changing. Then one day something felt clearer than it ever had before - life-changing rarely happens in big-once-in-a-lifetime moments. Instead it inches up on you in tiny almost imperceptible increments. Now, for someone who has high expectations for life-altering moments each and every day, this was hard-learned. Not every meditation was momentous. Just the opposite. Most were ho-hum. But that one momentous meditation that showed up now and again made all the ho-hum sits absolutely worth the price of admission.

Goals

• Yes, my goal was 365 consecutive days of meditation. But I realized that the process was much more important (and interesting) than the final product.
• Progress toward goals can be slow and that's okay. Success comes in small steps. Rather than get frustrated with this, I now celebrate the small steps, knowing they are taking me exactly where I need to go.
• I can set goals and reach them regardless of the pesky persistent voice in my head that tries to convince me otherwise. I can be patient. I can let a plan unfold without forcing and prodding.
• Meditation is not about making something happen. It's about creating space to accept what is...more specifically, what is in this moment here, today, now. It often feels like so much of life is about never-ending pushing and forcing. My practice has become a space where I let that go, releasing, if only for a moment, the endless striving, the unrealistic expectations, and self-applied pressure.

Paths

• Although it does help with it, meditation hasn't been so much about relaxation. The ease comes as a path is revealed, a direction in which to head, a change to make. It becomes a matter of making the time to quiet your body, mind, and spirit long enough to see the path, listen to it.
• One of the most important lessons I learned is to trust the path I'm on and enjoy the journey. I had gotten away from living in the joy of the path. It sure feels good to be getting back on track.
• I feel better equipped to be less reactive, slow down, pause, and stay attentive to each tiny step in my day.

Creativity

• My daily practice became a way of connecting to my creative spirit, to recharge my creative battery.
• Most days I meditated in the morning. This launched me into the day with right thinking, correct intent, and a sense of gratitude that made the days not only creatively productive but joyful, mindful, and intentional too.

Self-Talk

• A huge a-ha moment came when I realized I was great at maintaining a non-judgmental attitude toward others, but I didn’t extend that same courtesy to myself. This was kind of a huge moment.
• Meditation helped me take things bit by bit rather than all at once. I began listening less and less to that voice in my head that made me feel like I had to overhaul my entire life in one day. I slowed my role and aligned my expectations.
• With each day I felt what I call next-thing thinking slipping away. You know the feeling - when you get just a couple minutes into one task and immediately start thinking about the next one. This of course is a dead end street. It leads to anxiety, stress, high blood pressure, and a never ending cycle of more. It wasn't serving me well in any area of life.
• I settled into myself. For the first time in my life I was able to say (and actually mean it), “Kiddo, you’re okay. You always have been. Cut yourself some slack.”  I’ve worked hard. I continue to work hard. My path is true. My intent is right.

Work

• Running my own business for the past twenty years, I am the boss and the only employee. It really has been like performing a one-person show for the past two decades. It can be hard to assess my own work. Meditation helped me better gauge the quality of the work I do and the services I provide. As a result, my work productivity and output went through the roof.
• I meditate to be closer to my truth. Spend a bit of time there. When I'm closer to my truth I am more authentic in everything I do both professionally and personally.
• Days unfolded intuitively, creatively, and with a sense of assuredness.

Albert Einstein said, "I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me." Swimming in silence has certainly been time well spent over the past year. After spending so much quiet time with my truth, priorities - both short and long term - have come into sharper focus and outcomes feel more certain.

I still have moments of anger, rage even, and self-doubt. But now I’m better able and more willing to acknowledge these moments without judging myself, choosing instead to accept them as one side of me, part of being human. I am and always will be a work in progress. I'm far from "fixed." I'm not even sure that’s the goal anymore. But I took a big step toward treating myself with more kindness and respect.

So, a year is simply a bunch of days, weeks, and months. What I choose to fill those days, weeks, and months with is what truly makes a year. I'm ready for the next one.